American Culture

The Scrogues' Guide to Women: why you should bang a liberal

By Ann Ivins

“Mr. Euphrosyne” asked: “Which do you think had more impact on the Democratic primary, racism or sexism?” Fortunately for his own eardrums and the continuation of their marriage, Mr. E then actually looked at Mrs. E and was immediately and forcefully reminded that her Xanax refill was still waiting at the pharmacy. The paragon of wisdom and patience left to pick up the Peachy Pills of Pacification, Mrs. E stuck her head in the freezer until the Chunky Monkey started to melt, and everyone concerned agreed that perhaps it would be best to answer a different question this week.

“Artsy Friend in Portland” asked: “So, E, should we be banging liberals or conservatives?”

Ah, that’s more like it. First off, AFP, let’s lay some groundwork for the upcoming brilliant analysis.

  • We’ll be discussing hetero (or situationally hetero) males only, since they make up the overwhelming majority of the people I have been or would like to be nekkid with.
  • We shall omit anyone under the age of 23; they don’t know what they think yet, and as their two primary functions are decoration and recreation, who cares anyway? If you’re shopping among the Abercrombie crowd, your only criteria should be: smooth to the touch, firm underneath and easily disposable, like good name-brand toilet paper. Oh, and legal in your state. But that’s all.
  • To the best of my recollection, my checkered sexual history does not in fact include any conservatives (that I bothered to find out about or currently remember), but as a flaming liberal myself, I have no qualms about flinging around divisive labels, unsupported generalizations and vulgar language.
  • Finally, in an attempt to reach out to my sisters across the aisle, I’ll divide my answer into two discrete parts – pay careful attention. If you are a hysterical nagging liberal harpy like myself, read the first answer. If you are a gentle God-fearing womanly conservative, read the second answer. I’m breaking down walls here, bitches.

Take a look at this comparison of the typical candidates, based on extensive science-type information.

(LIBERAL VERSION) So whom should you be spurring on across the futon? The liberal, of course. Here’s why.

Hatred of America: greatly increases your chances of having sex all over the world, if only to give him the chance to collect revealing anecdotes of the superiority of _________ to the crass consumer-driven culture of the good ol’ USA. He will tell these pithy tales at various cocktail parties (the natural habitat of the intellectual elitist) while consuming the latest trendy beer, imported in hand-thrown stoneware bottles from a monastery in the remote mountains of Lower Balaclava. As long as he sprang for your airfare and booked hotels with hot water, let him babble.

Unmanly empathy: that bleeding heart means that he is 78% more likely to know that you have a clitoris, 83% more likely to keep on looking for the right spot despite the darkness and general confusion, and 93% more likely to break into a cold perspiration of performance anxiety when he realizes that you’re drifting off up there. However, if out of a terribly mistaken impulse of pity you decide to fake an orgasm and get some sleep already, your chances of detection are precisely the same as with a conservative: about 1 in 135,000,000. The choice is yours… but with a little gentle instruction, his flop sweat could pay off handsomely.

Irrational liberal guilt: guarantees that his rage at his mother will almost always lose out to his determination not to be like his father. This useful psychopathology not only reduces the chances of physical violence (and your subsequent moral obligation to wait until he’s asleep and Superglue his balls to his thigh), it’s a raging internal conflict that can produce some spectacular rough-and-tumble sex, if you can endure the semi-apologetic post-coital cuddling he may find necessary for his continuing mental stability. As if that’s your problem. Fortunately, this impulse can generally be diverted into a 3 a.m. omelette served to you in bed.

(CONSERVATIVE VERSION) So to whom should you be making chaste but unsanctified love? The liberal, of course. Here’s why.

The blessed possibility of conversion: although you know in your soul that a woman’s proper sphere is not in the world of politics, could your (insert name of deity here)-given gift of moral persuasion be put to any better use than to save a hell-bound atheistic humanist from himself? Given mankind’s accursed state of original sin, what better way is there to this tragically fallen man’s bleeding heart than through his carnal nature? Can you not use your feminine wiles to lure him to the side of right ? You may have to endure romantic poetry with no mention of the Higher Love. You may be forced to make unbearably unfeminine choices about where you want to go to dinner or whether or not you want to, well, you know right now. You may even, to your utter shame, find yourself so caught in the throes of unholy pleasure that you make noise or move. If so, try to use those precious moments of agony to inculcate some righteous principles into your partner. Rather than “Yes, yes!” or “You’re the king!” try screaming “Put the Christ back in Christmas, baby! Waaaayyy back!” or “Oh, God! You are so… not… gay!” Embarrassing? Yes. Unnatural? Of course. Enjoyable? No true conservative would even think of accusing you of enjoying that. They will know your pain. If worse comes to worst, lie back, close your eyes and think of Papa Bear.

Please, ladies, consider the dire necessity of eradicating these people from our homes and communities. Isn’t sacrifice the holy duty of every true womanly woman? If by your modest efforts our great nation is saved from the contaminating influence of even one liberal, will your self-immolation on the altar of climactic sin not be worth it? I think it will be.

Fuck a liberal… for America.

10 replies »

  1. That was a great post.

    My lovely wife was so liberal, when we first met, she was a member of the American Communist Party. Despite being opposite in every way, we clicked immediately. Perhaps it’s better that liberals and conservatives hook up, as both have something to offer to each other.


  2. “guarantees that his rage at his mother will almost always lose out to his determination not to be like his father” Just gotta ask, have you been talking to my therapist?

    This post made my morning. If fucking a liberal will help save America, well then, this guilt ridden, unmanly empathic, hatred of American liberal is willing to do his part and IS taking applications now.

  3. …my husband thinks the fun of being with a conversative (me) is loosening me up. 😉

  4. Damn, Mr. Euphrosyne has got to have a hell of a sense of humor….

    Not a bad thing, BTW. Life is to short and serious to be without a sense of humor. The gods (or, if you’re a monotheist, God) certainly had one.

  5. Mr. E doesn’t much resemble the liberal described above… he does, however, have a simply ENORMOUS sense of humor.

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  7. Great post, ES, but you forgot two critical questions:

    1. Do conservatives perform cunnilingus?

    2. Which stays harder longer? A liberal or a conservative?

  8. Not being a true womanly woman, there are sacrifices I am simply not going to make in the name of research.

  9. So. I thought it was you, back in ’77, after that Grateful Dead concert …

  10. Nope, not me. I wasn’t allowed to go to Grateful Dead concerts until I was eight. Or were you talking to Russ?