American Culture

"Yes, Larry, I did f**k that goat": a confessional primer for the modern political aspirant

By Ann Ivins

part one of… ?

New York Governor David Paterson has the kind of political acuity worth watching… and unfortunately, probably worth emulating from now on. He coolly observed his predecessor go down in flames and silicone. He stepped politely over the writhing corpse, ascended into office and promptly did what Mrs. E has been privately hoping for years a political figure would do: called a press conference, looked the American media in its bloodshot, Internet-porn-raddled eyes and said, in essence:

“All right, bitches, let’s GO there,” spilling a load of personal compost over the next few days that, while not spectacular in scope, was refreshingly honest in a somewhat revolting way. Best of all, his wife did more than (here it comes) stand by her man; she added her own soiled knickers to the flurry of smudged tidy whities Dave was launching at the dazed citizens of New York. Damn. In a grave near Nashville, Tammy Wynette‘s carefully embalmed nipples are standing at awed attention.

So what about it? Should anyone care about Paterson’s rather dull shenanigans? Do the sexual peccadilloes, past drug use and marital compromises of any political candidate truly affect future job performance? Most importantly, do we, the American people, deserve to have the mental image of Larry Craig with his pants down permanently embedded in what’s left of our collectively overstimulated consciousness?

As a nation, we may only agree on the last one up there (answer: oh please God no), but it’s clear where the slime train is going, as Dave Paterson recognized, as any future political candidate with the brains of a higher invertebrate will have to acknowledge. Preemptive confession is the Next Big Thing, Grasshoppers, and today’s budding leaders need some guidelines to ride the trend. Ethics, integrity, character, the psychology of leadership: all legitimate and vital issues, all supremely uninteresting compared to who licked what off that dancer’s ass in Vegas and what exactly the word “fraud” gay in an annulment application gay really means gay. The public mandate is clear.

To get the ball rolling, here are a few questions the young politico may want to ponder before leaping into the messy, sticky and increasingly malodorous public sphere. One or more “yes” answers: time to have a heart-to-heart with the publicist, the attorney and any motel employee able to identify “Mr. My-Best-Friend’s-Name.”

Oh, and maybe the spouse.

Sexual preference

Are you or have you ever been:

  1. a practicing homosexual?
  2. an accomplished homosexual with no further need of practice?
  3. a closeted lesbian with a famous husband?
  4. a youth pastor?
  5. Anne Heche?*

*if yes, stop reading this and go take your lithium right now, young lady

Sexual misbehavior

Have you ever:

  1. cheated on your spouse during a time of great stress and turmoil?
  2. had an inexplicable encounter with a same-sex partner even though you’re totally, totally straight?
  3. visited a sex club when you were drunk with the wild friends you no longer spend time around since you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
  4. purchased a sexual device in the absolute conviction that it was, in fact, a therapeutic personal massager?
  5. fucked a goat?*

*if yes, was the goat of age (in goat years, in your state of residence at the time of the incident)?

Sexual misdemeanors

Do you often or occasionally:

  1. hire a sex worker?
  2. frequent a brothel?
  3. download pornography at work?
  4. solicit unseen strangers in public restrooms?
  5. buy suspender thongs for your Congressional pages?*

*if yes, do you claim them as a business expense?

Drug use

In your distant, faraway, never-to-be-revisited college years, did you ever:

  1. smoke marijuana? Did you inhale?
  2. inject or ingest narcotics, barbiturates, stimulants or hallucinogens of any kind? Was this pre-YouTube?
  3. walk too near a co-op? Did you beat up a hippie as penance?
  4. use meth? Was that your remaining tooth hitting the floor?
  5. smoke crack? Are you the mayor of Washington DC?*

*if yes, just remember to put the pipe down while pumping gasoline

Poor interpersonal skills

Have you ever:

  1. muttered about political correctness as a woman/homosexual/brown person walked away?
  2. screamed at a weeping campaign worker after flinging a lukewarm double shot latte in his face?
  3. grimaced and refused to kiss an undeniably unattractive baby?
  4. called a reporter an “asshole” when he or she was, in fact, merely a “dickwad?”
  5. slapped your mother?*

*if yes, are you Andrew Schlafly? If so, can I help?

Tune in next week for tried and true methods of taking full responsibility while avoiding all consequences; also, how to tell if your supportive partner has lost her blink reflex before the cameras roll.

13 replies »

  1. Lord, thank you for this. After the day I’ve had, I deserved to laugh myself silly for a few minutes.

    You’ll excuse me while I go find a towel to wipe the tears off my keyboard….

  2. Jeez, E.

    As if Larry Craig and his dropped trou weren’t bad enough…

    Now I’m going to need a few days to poke out of my mind’s eye the image of Tammy’s carefully embalmed nipples. Why do you hate me?

  3. I broke something ’cause I was laughing so hard. Gotta go to the hospital and have my dickwad removed.

  4. Pingback:
  5. Some of us may long for the days when the press covered for JFK’s extra-marital adventures. But they were so over the top (read “The Dark Side of Camelot” by Seymour Hersh) that JFK made patsies of the press.

    Re our new governor (I live in New York state): I’m all for anything that drags the American public kicking and screaming into an acknolwedgment that to ask one person to fulfill all of another’s sexual needs is putting too much pressure on that person.

  6. Thank you, Russ. Without swirling too far down the “what does the public need to know about public servants” black hole, I’d like to add that one of my primary sexual needs is NOT knowing the details, of, say, Larry Craig’s.

    On the other hand, anyone who actually knows his bathhouse hand signals and still spends a significant part of his career hurling flaming Bibles at the gay community… well, I guess it’s worth a little nausea to see him dragged out of the men’s room with his pants around his ankles.