American Culture

Texans fixin' to caucus; whup-ass, conniptions predicted

By Ann Ivins

Well, slap me nekkid and hide my clothes – March 4 is right around the corner.

For those of you damn Yankees who can’t be expected to know your ass from a doorknob, Democratic caucuses in the Great Lone Star State are a whole nuther thing entirely.

Voting is immediately followed by a mini-convention of sorts at every polling center, and how many people show up and slap their hats for you actually determines the fate of a significant number of delegates. It may seem a little cattywhompus to the uninitiated, but it’s the way things work here. Many voters don’t even know these conventions exist. This year, word is spreading quicker than shit through a pig, and organizers are feeling like a one-legged man at an ass-kickin’ contest as they realize that the lobby of the local post office is not going to suffice as a venue this time.

Also, the late lamented Ann Richards’ daughter has backed an Ann-referential commercial for Clinton, while Herself’s two sons have said for the record that they have no idea whom their mother would have supported, and she’da been all over them like stink on a skunk had they presumed to know her mind. Sen. Obama’s ridin’ high and looking slicker than snot on a doorknob as he rallies support throughout the state. Sen. Clinton is in it to win it, come hell or high water, and you can’t help but admire that kind of gumption.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Euphrosyne is seriously considering attending the local rally for the New Messiah on Friday, if she’s not too wore out and barring excessive heat or a sudden gullywasher. She is curious: will the force of his rhetoric tump her right over in a swoon of delight? Or will he prove to be just another sorry politician, all swole up and crooked as a dog’s hind leg?

We shall see.

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15 replies »

  1. Dang. I ain’t been in Texas more than a month and already I done heard enough clever metaphors to make me go R-U-N-N-O-F-T.

  2. Well it looks like the Dems will once again snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory. Nominating a left wing McGovernite type will backfire as we need strength in the face of terroism. All they understand is force.

    While the Mesiah is probably the most eloquent speaker and inspirer since JFK and a helluva lot better than GW he can’t even grasp half of the world situation that GW can muster. How sad is that.

    It would be nice to know where he stands but in his political life, most of his votes have been “present” it is hard to see how change will be effected by someone who occupies a seat and watches.

    Not much better with Clinton or McCain. What we need is a viable third party in the center not crazies on the left and jokers on the right. I’d like to be stuck in the middle with you.

  3. Yep. You know I thought for years that “tump” was something my family made up, because I never heard it anywhere else… turns out my childhood environment was too urban. “Tump” was alive and well out in the boonies, and now in our house.

  4. How about you long-haired, Birkenstock-wearing hippies just don’t worry about it? Go hug a tree somewhere, Nature Boy: I’m fixin’ to go gas up my immaculate F350 with the unused, unscratched bed and drive around with no passengers all day.

  5. Hey, I resemble that remark! (Long hair, anyway. Birks are really uncomfortable, and even wool socks aren’t enough to keep your feet warm and dry if you wear Birks through 6 inches of snow. Steel-toed hiking boots are much better for snow.)

    I noticed on my first visit to Texas a couple of weeks ago that I was one of two guys with long hair, and I was at TAMU in a physics lab. The other was your stereotypical long-haired, bearded physics post-grad.

  6. There is nothing in the state of Texas worthy of the name “barbecue.” Not unless somebody from NC has moved there and opened a restaurant.

  7. Brian, not all of it. I live in the Hill Country (admittedly, not mountains, but pleasant swells) and Big Bend has some killer mountains. Let me suggest that you NEVER visit West Texas, though – not only is it maddeningly featureless, it’s either bone-dry or infested with tornados.

    As far as Sam goes, I am not a qualified mental health professional. Delusional thinking is beyond my power to address.