Hi, and welcome to day four of our 2007 review. Today’s topic – the year in sports. And what a year it was – great competition, exciting on-field action, outstanding team accomplishments, and all of it trumped by off-field drama.
Barry B*nds: The real homerun king is Hank Aaron, and don’t you forget it. It wasn’t a pretty summer in sports, and the ugliest of the ugly was this roided-up icon of arrogance and entitlement. He may go to jail and he may not, but rest assured, nobody is ever going to write a Field of Dreams-style epic about him. Let this be a lesson, kids – flaxseed oil is for losers.
In other news, some of Barry B*nds supporters called our anti-Barry hatred racism. Hank Aaron was reportedly stunned to learn that he’s been white all these years.
All About A-Rod: AAA-Rod set a new Major League record for Bush League plays. He finally decideed that he belongs in a Yankee uniform. We couldn’t agree more.
Floyd Landis: Stripped of his Tour de France title after a lengthy court battle. The test results said he had more testosterone in his system than a bull moose in mating season, but a lot of Americans watched French media and sporting authorities trying for so long to catch Lance Armstrong that we can’t help being suspicious. In any case, the official verdict is guilty and it’s likely to stay that way. We’re looking forward to this year’s Tour, where we expect there to be no winner because everybody got caught juicing.
The Mitchell Report: One of the odder moments in American sports history. We suspect the report is more accurate than inaccurate, despite being the product of one of the least legitimate investigative processes we’ve ever seen. A lot of the evidence goes something like this: “Well, I heard from Tiffany that Letisha said her boyfriend knew a guy who’s an intern with the Yankees, and HE said that EVERYBODY knew Andy Pettite was shooting horse tranquilizers in his ass.” Of course,
Fat Bastard Roger Clemens has hired a private investigator to look into things, so we’ll have the truth soon.
Boston Red Sox: I don’t get it. The Rockies were God’s Team, right? The Lord moves in mysterious ways, I guess.
New England Patriots/Filmgate: I once posed a question to sports fans everywhere. Say they’re building a Mt. Rushmore for football coaches. Which four faces do you chisel into the granite? Three seem obvious: Halas, Lombardi and Walsh. Until word got out that Bill Belichick had been cheating like a drunk vinyl siding salesman at a convention in Vegas we pretty much figured the upcoming Super Bowl would seal his place in history. Now we’re always going to have that uncertainty to deal with, aren’t we?
My Apologies: I’d like to say I’m sorry to the Denver Broncos, Buffalo Bills, Phoenix Coyoyes, Cleveland Browns, Cleveland Cavaliers, LA Clippers, Penn St. Nittany Lions, Texas Longhorns and every other team whose uniforms I have maligned through the years. Because this year we had the king hell uni design mother of all suckfests rolled out by the Syracuse football team. Sweet mother of Mergatroid, whose idea was THIS?
Bowl Championship Series: What a great concept. Why don’t we determine all sports champions this way? You realize that it’s theoretically possible to go undefeated through the toughest conference in all of football and not even get a chance to play for the title? Happened with Auburn not long ago. Imagine if, at the end of this week’s NFL games, the final polls came out and Green Bay and Indianapolis were voted into the Super Bowl while New England got relegated to a meaningless exhibition in New Orleans. How cool would that be?
I Love This Game: Spurs win the NBA title again, beating LeBron James and four warm bodies in the Finals. The Spurs are boring, what with all that dull teamwork and hard-nosed defense. But let’s understand the real story here. A Frenchman named Tony Parker (the first Frog to be named either Tony or Parker, by the way) wins the NBA title, is named MVP, and scores EVA LONGORIA? Somebody want to check the weather in Hell?
David Beckham: Global soccer icon resurrects career, leads Real Madrid to glory, and signs $250M contract with … the LA Galaxy? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Unfortunately the Becks get to La-La and Posh decides that it’s about her and starts talking Spice Girls reunion. Seriously, Victoria – aside from you, the other Spices and your respective agents, who exactly is clamoring for this? Name one person.
Anyway, Becks was hurt when he got here and was unable to make the kind of on-field splash a lot of people were hoping for. Still, even one-legged he was making a significant impact on the games in which he appeared (the Galaxy’s trip to play the Red Bulls was one of the most exciting games I’ve seen, if not necessarily the most technically briliant). However, the fact that he was trying to fight through injury provided lots of ammunition for America’s dumber soccer-haters, who prefer football, where no player has ever been injured.
Former Student/Athlete Makes Us Proud: Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder, in advance of the team’s trip to the UK, admitted to not knowing where London is or that people speak English there.
Join us for part five, when we’ll cap the year off with a look at politics and the media. Should be fun.