Some nut out in Bremerton Washington has put up a cross in his yard with Santa nailed to it. Normally I wouldn’t comment on such a shameless plea against the commercialization of Christmas, but this one crosses a line and I feel compelled to speak out.

Who does this jerk wad think he is? How can any of us enjoy the excess and over consumption that is our right as members of the American Empire® with this kind of criticism paraded before us in a naked attempt to make us think about – well, to think…?

I am reminded of the warning Lucy Van Pelt gave to Charlie Brown concerning the Christmas holiday: “It’s run by a big Eastern syndicate, you know.”

I think we all realize the danger of crossing big Eastern syndicates, so I’ll not belabor that point.

I also remind you of the heresy offered by Lucy’s brother Linus: “Christmas is not only getting too commercial; it’s getting too dangerous.” (When in doubt, I always turn to cartoon characters for advice – isn’t that what everyone does?)

Christmas isn’t too commercial – after all, the Waltons don’t own Arkansas – yet. But if we keep spending, maybe they’ll soon be able to buy it – with the proviso that they must move with it to another planet – and take both Clintons and Mike Huckabee with them.

So take down that cross, Art Conrad. Release Santa from the thrall of justice, freedom, self-respect, good sense.

Let America be America again.

No, wait. That’s not right. What I meant was, let America be Bush Country again.