by JS O’Brien
I’m in the doghouse today. I decided to lose ten pounds about three days ago, cut out eating between meals, and am now ten pounds lighter. Asking around, I find I’m not alone. Many men can do this. Most of them are divorced. Here’s a conversation from yesterday.
Wife: Wow. Those pants look really good on you!
Me: They do? They’re the same jeans I wore yesterday.
Puzzled wife: They are? They didn’t look this good yester …
Me: Ahm. Er. I’ve probably cinched up my belt a little more. Yeah. Yeah. That’s the ticket. I cinched up my belt.
Medea: How about some lunch? I’m thinking nachos with lots of sour cream and guacamole, extra cheese, and … oh … I just baked some chocolate chip cookies! Want some now? How about a baker’s dozen? Then, we’ll have nachos. I’ll just have this little plate, and you can have this TURKEY PLATTER!!!!!
Naturally, all wives want slim and trim husbands. We make good accessories. But it’s not enough just to be fit. It’s important to them that we suffer for it. So, for those of you who find losing and keeping off weight a little too easy, here’s a guide to marital relations. (For those of you who want to use your steely new bodies to trade in wife 1.0 for the upgrade, I’ll publish a different guide later on the philandering husband protection program.)
- Keep a full complement of ace bandages on hand. As you lose weight, you can wrap these suckers around the places the fat used to be, fooling her until you can fit into that 20-year-old tuxedo and she can say, “Wow. That’s really slimming on you.”
- Rice cakes are very handy devices for hiding cookies, candy bars, and the like. Just put the tasteless thing over whatever you’re really eating and make a big show of gustatory martyrdom. She’s probably eaten a lot of rice cakes, and misery loves company.
- Buy one six-pack of light beer and force it down. You can pour real beer into the light bottles later, and she’ll never be the wiser. The same goes with a bag of baked chips. You can put the nice, greasy, fried ones in the baked bag. Simple!
- Tell her you have cancer. This will not only explain the easy weight loss, but also give you an excuse to go down to the local bar, watch football, and pig out on beer and breaded cheese sticks when you’re supposed to be getting your chemo.
Following these simple steps ensures a lifetime of wedded bliss, assuming you avoid the always popular does-this-make-me-look-fat trap. But if you’ve managed to stay married more than five minutes, you’ve already sidestepped that one.