I was in in the local mall today killing time while my wife did some shopping. I wandered around, looking at clothing and trying not to be appalled by what passes for cool these days.

In my wandering I passed the “fragrance counters” – you know them – every major department store has them. These days they’re dominated by “celebrity” fragrances “designed” by everyone from Usher to Kermit the Frog, it seems.

But there were two that “struck me forcibly” as the philosopher says…

One was “Heiress” – endorsed by – you guessed it – Paris Hilton. The other was “Midnight Fantasy” – endorsed by – wait for it – Britney Spears.

Now, maybe it’s just me. But it seems that “Heiress” and “Midnight Fantasy” aren’t really apropos names for perfumes by Paris and Britney given what we now know about them. So in the interest of creating a little “truth in advertising,” here are some fragrance names – and tag lines – that might be more suitable for these two now infamous sluts, er, party girls, er celebrities:

“Rich Bitch by Paris Hilton – for when you want everyone to hate you for being you….”

“Trailer Trash Mama by Britney Spears – for those moments when the social worker isn’t around….”

“Jail Time by Paris Hilton – for those brief encounters with the justice system….”

“Flashing You by Britney Spears – they’ll want to look away – but they can’t….”

“Seeing God by Paris Hilton – so versatile you can wear it to church – and to your next private video session….”

“Rehab by Britney Spears – you’ll go there again and again….”

You may have found this all too frivolous, but I feel I’ve shown admirable restraint by not offering any Lindsay Lohan possibilities….