American Culture

Blackwater P.R. campaign: “we use assault weapons for assault, as God intended…”


Certain of us on this planet have it tough – how many would love us if we were great white sharks? Black mambas? Box jellyfish? Too, too few, one suspects.

So it is with that misunderstood force for security and protection, Blackwater, USA. Just because a private company gets over one billion dollars in non-competitive or secretly awarded contracts with the utterly corrupt Bush administration to serve as mercenaries bodyguards and private army security forces for the State Department and receives a new non-competitive contract from the Pentagon even as it’s being investigated by Congress, while doing little things like shooting Iraqi civilians, developing a private air force and navy, and attempting to wedge its way into the domestic market as disaster security, should we consider them as deadly and horrifying as those creatures mentioned above?

Oh, hell yes.

If Erik Prince’s testimony before the House Oversight Committee is to be believed, many of us might see Blackwater as a “clear and present danger” to this country. Some courageous groups are trying to stop Blackwater’s expansion plans which include putting a base of operations in every coastal state in this country. Others are speaking out about this administration’s attempts to quell citizen unrest and its plans to use Blackwater to “assist” with that process in case of a “national emergency” (which may have a different meaning for us than for the Bush administration).

Blackwater is, of course big business, and for that reason alone the Bushies would love and protect it. In fact, the administration has gone so far as to have a PR firm trying to create a positive image (I know, take your time, catch your breath and wipe your eyes from laughing so hard at that thought) for Blackwater deny that they’re involved in any such doings:

Mark Penn did no work on the Blackwater account. Burson has cut its ties
to Blackwater, and that was the right thing to do. Mark is and remains a
valuable member of our team. Sen. Clinton believes Blackwater must be
held accountable for its actions and has laid out a detailed proposal to
sharply reduce the number of contractors employed by the federal
government by 500,000. She has repeatedly stated her concern that such
contractors are not as accountable as federal employees. -statement by Howard Wolfson, spokesperson for Sen. Clinton

But isn’t it fun to think about a Blackwater PR campaign? I mean, we all remember the preposterous bullshit that was the Halliburton PR campaign (and that painfully absurd sign in one of their TV ads that said “It’s cheeseburger night!”). And that slogan: “Halliburton – proud to serve our troops….” (Cheeseburgers, one assumes.)

Imagine the slogan possibilities for Blackwater….

“Blackwater – Just stay in line and move along and nothing will happen to you….”

“Blackwater – We won’t kill you unless we’re drunk and it’s Christmas….”

“Blackwater – Because every disaster needs someone to make it worse….”

And of course my favorite:

“Blackwater – We use assault weapons for assault – as God intended….”

4 replies »

  1. Those slogans are pretty funny, Jim. Whatever happened to the days when the word “contractor” primarily meant someone who builds, not destroys?

    I recently had the opportunity to hold a custom-made assault rifle for the first time. These things are way too ergonomic and easy to use.

    There needs to be something that makes their bearers think twice before raining down death. Perhaps a consumer advisory plastered on the side:

    “WARNING: You may be about to take a life. Should it be human, the user may be subject to severe penalties.”

  2. Penalties, Russ? If they’re working for Blackwater, try “performance bonuses.” Paid for by you and me… in addition to their regular salaries and their original Special Forces training.