With the latest news that of the current 2008 Democratic presidential candidates, only rantin’ grandpa Mike Gravel, kindler gentler racist Joe Biden, and “Peace Gnome” Dennis Kucinich are bothering to show up for Fox’s debate in a few months, I’m wondering who the pseudonews network could call on to fill the seats that Clinton, Edwards, Obama et al. won’t be sitting in. A few worthy possibilities come to mind… (Note: Stephen Colbert isn’t eligible because most Republicans still don’t seem to realize he’s not really a right-wing pundit.)
* Alec Baldwin. A natural choice, especially if he comes in drunk and fuming about his endless divorce from Kim Basinger. Imagine the spectacle of him losing it after a particularly smug question from Chris Wallace and putting the oily little bastard in a headlock. A sure ratings winner, and that’s all Fox is after anyways.
* Alan Colmes. Fox loves a token liberal, especially a weak and willing one, and who better than the increasingly zombie-looking punching bag for loudmouthed wuss Sean Hannity? Can’t you see Colmes and Kucinich getting into a heated back-and-forth about which is better, Gardenburgers or Boca Burgers? It would easily demonstrate how Democrats are soft on terror.
* And speaking of tokens, Fox will want exactly one Negro to represent, and since Obama’s still miffed about Fox’s madrassa shit-talking, they’re gonna have to recruit someone else. What about thee most famous token black of the 20th century, Garrett Morris? Then again, if Fox wants to pull in younger viewers, there’s always Beetlejuice.
* Given its obvious feminist lean, Fox can’t not have a chick, and since they have so many tall, leggy, vapid blondes on their shows, why not go for a short, plump, highly intelligent ethnic type? A-ha, Janeane Garofalo!
* Markos “Daily Kos” Moulitsas ZÃºniga. He’s already feted as de facto president of the blogosphere anyway, so a run for the White House is a logical step up. Plus he might set a Fox record for most bleeped expletives in a single broadcast, and salty talk is a big draw, as Fox’s entertainment wing can attest. Double-secret token minority bonus: His name is more Spanisher than that fat phony Bill Richardson.
* Screw Mike Gravel, who’s all hot on the Internets now… Fox needs a seriously fringe candidate for shits & giggles, a guy so far out there that even rabid Libertarians might say, “His Constitutionally-guaranteed right to express himself aside, that’s one weird asshat.” Behold the astounding unelectability that is Randy Crow!
* Carrot Top. Just cuz.
x-posted: JAZZ from HELL