Domestic terrorism is not what it used to be.
Terrorism used to be the province of the left. Crews like the Weather Underground, the Panthers and the Symbionese Liberation Army blew up buildings, kidnapped heiresses and brought cities to their knees with crippling protests. Now the best the left has to offer on the city-crippling front is the Occupy Movement who, if you listened carefully, weren’t demanding peace and justice as much as for jobs and better credit scores. They might well have brought cities to their collective knees, but if so it was only because the municipalities dozed off listening to all those lame speeches and slid off their benches.
No, all the serious domestic terrorists are on the right. They’re the ones blowing up buildings, assassinating people and shutting down cities.
That doesn’t even make sense.
America has had a tradition of leftist terrorism because the right has always been in power. Now the right is even more firmly in power, and our terrorism is from the right? Huh? Even non-domestic terrorism sponsored by Muslim groups is right wing terrorism—pushing for the same strict social mores as their Southern Baptist kin, albeit packaged a little differently.
I think we need to get terrorism back to where it belongs—the radical left. But, that’s a challenge for me, because to be honest, I have never been completely comfortable with all that violence stuff. The problem with killing innocent people is that, well, they’re innocent for Christ’s sake. And the problem with killing guilty people is that most of us just aren’t killers. We catch spiders in glasses and carefully place them outside. We stop on the road to carry stranded turtles across. We don’t even swat our children on the bottom. We just aren’t made to be stone cold killers who stick a gun in someone’s face or spend two hours every night painstakingly building bombs by candlelight. I am not alone. If every person in America who daydreamed about shooting Cheney had done so, we’d have a national shortage of Glocks. But no one did.
So today I am forming a new terrorist group for us non-violent leftists, The STFU Liberation Front. Our targets will be those people who put stupid, stupidly aggressive bumper stickers on their cars, like pictures of W with the caption “Miss him yet?” or ”If you can read this you’re within range” or ”Keep your hands off my guns, money and healthcare” or anything with Cheney written on it. Yes, stupid left wing bumper stickers irritate me, too, but they’re far less prevalent and less obnoxious than the right wing kind. “Coexist” is lame, not aggressive.
Our weapon of choice will be a Swiss Army knife. Don’t laugh. Without opening it we can give a window a good smack with the butt, and put a crack as long as Texas across the windshield of a 4 X 4 sporting an NRA sticker. We can pull out the corkscrew and without even slowing down dig a trench in the paint of a sticker-laden Buick that will cost them a thousand bucks to get fixed. Just think of it as a thousand dollars less they will have to send to some wrong-minded Super-Pac. And while pretending to tie our shoes, we can give that Mercedes valve stem a little slice that will mean they will spend the afternoon in the hot sun wrestling the spare out of the trunk instead of watching Fox and learning more facts that aren’t true.
Sure we might get caught, but I am almost sixty years old. Plan A is to be very very confused. “Is this my car? I can’t find my keys. Did I do that? Where are my pants? Are you my grandson? Do you know where I live?” And if that doesn’t work, I am not expecting jail time. Plan B is to lawyer up. If the whole state of Florida can’t convict a third tier moron like Kaycee Anthony, then good luck pinning a little vandalism on me. “People too stupid to get out jury duty, come on down!”
I’ve been thinking about it a long time and I am convinced it would work. It would either shut up fools or stimulate the economy one car repair shop at a time. Either way is fine. And think of all the good it would do for my blood pressure. Instead of just shooting people the bird and mumbling Shut the Fuck Up under my breath, eventually they’d get the message that it’s one thing to express your opinion, as is your right, but another to try to intimidate people into thinking the way you do through aggression. This is America, and I firmly believe you have a right to your opinion. I also firmly believe I have a right to leave you stranded in a hot Walmart parking lot if you won’t shut the fuck up.
Viva la revolucion!
Shut the Fuck Up Liberation Front